On Weddings: The Minister

 

…Set them an example by doing what is good…Show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned…. (Titus 2:7-8)

    

           I attended a formal wedding not long ago in which the minister, obviously treading on the close familiarity he had with them, referred to the bride and groom as “you knuckleheads.” It was tacky at best, inappropriate for sure and far from the Apostle’s counsel about soundness of speech. But it got me thinking.

 It’s certainly true that what’s considered acceptable in weddings has changed in recent years. The informality of our times (ministers in shorts and flip-flops, grooms with shirts open halfway to the waist, brides dancing down the aisle, etc.) has opened us to new definitions of wedding decorum. So anything I—or anyone—may suggest about “appropriate” runs the risk of being immediately out of date.

 But that “knuckleheads” comment encourages me to take that risk. Here are some suggestions for a minister (or anyone) officiating at a wedding that I think many couples and guests will appreciate being followed.

·        Be thoughtful about what you say.

Do not under any circumstance talk about divorce during the homily or at any other time. Quoting the awful statistics of marriage break-ups these days adds nothing to—but detracts badly from—the joy of the occasion.

·        Be modest about your role.

No one comes to a wedding to hear a preacher preach. So keep the homily positive, friendly and—above all—brief. Have no expectation that the couple or people in the audience will remember what you say. And this is most assuredly not an opportunity to win converts to the faith.

·        Fit in with the tone of the event.

If the men are wearing tuxedos, the minister ought to wear a robe. The person officiating should not be dressed less formally than the bridal party. (I loved George Gobel’s question: “Have you ever felt like the whole world’s a tuxedo and you’re a pair of brown shoes?”)

·        Be the leader.

Quietly provide directions to the wedding couple throughout the service—where to stand, when to face one another, etc.—even though it’s been rehearsed. A bride and groom can’t be expected to remember little details of choreography in the tension of those moments. Everyone appreciates it when there’s a leader in charge who knows what’s next.

·        Save teaching moments for another occasion.

Allow the words of the service to stand on their own and to flow naturally. Avoid editorial comments (”Now this is very important”…“Think carefully about these vows before you say them”). The words always say more than we can fulfill, even with our best intentions.

       More to come, perhaps, in later posts—for grooms, brides, attendants, ushers—even guests.

       But for now, what counsel would you give to those officiating at weddings?

 

Copies of Mike’s book You Are Rich: Finding Faith in Everyday Moments, a collection of sixty faith-related reflections, can be ordered from Amazon or Barnes & Noble.